She hides her feelings well at work and with friends; adept at performing the calmness, even ease, her lifestyle demands.

I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki: A Memoir I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki: A Memoir

Part memoir, part self-help book, I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki is a book to keep close and to reach for in times of darkness. After three months of therapy the author states “Everything is a mess” and feels more out of control than before she started the therapy, which I fully understand, considering the low quality of sessions she had. If I were to record my hypothetical sessions with a therapist or whoever, I doubt anyone would want to read transcripts of it. I wonder about others like me, who seem totally fine on the outside but are rotting on the inside, where the rot is this vague state of being not-fine and not-devastated at the same time. Because again, you literally just get the back and forth between her and her therapist, not her internal thoughts or dialogues re what is being said in therapy.Lying in my bed as I read or daydreamed, taking walks, listening to music on the bus or subway, napping, all of these were my favourite times of the day. Baek records her twelve-week sessions with her psychiatrist to combat her “memory block,” which can happen in times of stress and high intensity. She hides her feelings well at workand with friends; adept at performing the calmness, even ease, her lifestyle demands.

I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki: A Memoir: Baek

I reached for “I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki” by Baek Sehee for two main reasons: 1) I hoped to get a better insight into the way a standard therapy is conducted in South Korea, 2) I was interested to see how therapist’s culture influences the approach. May she, and everyone else, find their light within the darkness, their own reasons for living and happiness, even if it's as simple as a plate of tteokbokki. But if you’re someone who thinks that Sarah Kane’s work is too ‘heavy’, maybe Baek is just right for you. As someone who feels simply ✨hollow✨ rather than having, say, violent feelings and suicidal desire, this book absolutely got it.

On the outside, she cultivates a perfect porcelain mask for her loved ones, who are not at all aware of the agony she endures. Sharing that burden with someone else, someone you trust and perhaps love, can not only lighten that burden, but it can also create a strong bond between you and that trusted person.