Its walk was a little wonky because it was missing one leg. 19. I’m afraid of the calendar. Its days are numbered. A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

If you’ve ever had a father (or currently are one), you don’t need me to explain a Dad Joke. To paraphrase US Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart when expounding on how to identify pornography in 1964, you’ll know it when you see it. Are Dad jokes good for you? Inarguably. Recent studies have shown that a good dose of humor, however groan-worthy, can lower your risk of cardiovascular illness, increase your body's ability to fight pain and prevent disease, and even help you live longer. Yes, fine, it didn’t help my dad live longer, but I know for a fact that he was laughing on the last day of his life, and that seems like the best possible way to leave this mortal coil. Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker. What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please. If greeting card companies were to be believed, the best gifts for dads would all concern race cars, golf, beer or farts. More so than some of the more generic best gifts for men, it can be a seriously tough marketplace for finding presents for your dad, whether it's for his birthday or Christmas. Don't ask us why, but the older he gets, the harder it seems, too; just as selecting one of the best gifts for mum (one that feels neither too old nor too young) seems increasingly impossible.

I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.

5. Draper Driver Set

A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”

My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him. Oceans like making waves. 13. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? “Supplies!” When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.

Daddy Being Used As Furniture. Daughter Wanted No One But Him.

The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess. If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. verifyErrors }}{{ message }}{{ /verifyErrors }}{{

If it evokes a reaction somewhere between cringing and earnest laughter, and you simultaneously want to tell the person sharing the joke to tell you more and also shut up because they’re embarrassing you in front of your friends, congratulations, you’re in the presence of a Dad joke. My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.” From something short and to the point or complex enough to compete with your own dad's jokes, you're sure to find it here. So, settle in, grab a needle and thread because you're about to be in stitches. Funny dad jokes for all ages It’s a supplies closet after all. 14. My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punchline.

Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.