Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

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Having discovered my husband (now ex-husband) was having an affair earlier this year, I've been riding the infidelity/betrayal rollercoaster. The book also does the important work of acknowledging the pain--something the Industrial Reconciliation Complex shies away from at all costs, but something that's very necessary for healing and renewal. I do believe that through my recovery from this, I will continue to reference this book to get me through the uncomfortable times. The author copied my review on her blog with a personal response that set the tone for the storm of reaction from her online followers. But it's not just about any cheater it's about the cheater who does not want to stop cheating - who agrees to reconciliation but then repeats the unfaithful behaviour - who has no real remorse for what they've done and no concern for the pain that they cause.

Some cheaters should never be trusted again, but I would still encourage a consideration of grace, not just pure justice. Some people struggle with love hunger which they use sex to try to fill or some people may be experiencing a rough time in their lives ( which includes job loss, depression, pregnancy/loss, death, sickness, loneliness, etc) or just getting too familiar with a coworker or someone of the opposite sex. Schorn is unambiguous where other books dance around that feeling inside you that you didn’t ask for this, that the affair partner made their own choices and didn’t handle relationship issues in an honorable way. Full of solid advice that champions self-respect, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life offers a fresh voice for chumps who want (and need) a new message about infidelity. She does a genius job of analyzing what cheaters are and how the “chumps” can survive their horrible crisis and move on.I listened to the audio and have since purchased the book so I can refer back, remind myself that I didn't do this, I didn't force him to do this and to not let his actions define me and who I am. The book provides some great warning signs that indicate the lack of proper investment in the counseling process. I mentioned in my review of the original self-published book that I thought the book had some flaws; one has been remedied and one is still there. This person has just demonstrated to you in the most intimate and humiliating way how little respect they have for your feelings.

In short, their anger seems to erupt from a belief that (1) there really is little or no hope for a satisfying marriage after an affair, (2) that I and other counselors sell false hope for our own profit, and (3) that my message of affair healing assumes that the marriage will be saved. Yes I understand the hurt pain and anguish but reinforcing this is a time of possible reconciliation if harmful.A new and useful section about how to not obsess over the Other Woman (or Other Man) has been added, but the book still lacks a chapter on emotional affairs, which I think the book could have used. I agree with everything Tracy Schorn says, I get all her references, and all my decisions happen to be in line with her advice. I don’t believe people cheat because they’re broken, or they have family of origin issues, or because of the staggering powers of Facebook crushes.