My Lesbian Wife Is Strapped Airtight: At The Beach

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Bohemians, yoga enthusiasts, surfers and free spirits have been vacationing here and in neighboring Mazunte for years, and although it's far less touristy and pricey than Puerto Vallarta or Tulum, this former fishing village offers a growing number of stylish boutique hotels such as El Alquimista and Hotel Noga. When I first pitched this story to my editors, I thought I’d be reporting on a lesbian cultural artifact in its twilight years. The women who’ve faithfully gone on dozens of Olivia trips over the decades are getting older, and I didn’t have a lot of faith that younger queer people were going to step in and save companies like this from extinction. Other elements of lesbian culture have been steadily dying; why should Olivia be any different?

You'll find a handful of appealing accommodations, including the luxe C2 Hotel and the old-world, yet chic, Hotel Maison Montgrand Vieux Port, in or near the charming Old Port district, which is also home to several gay bars and restaurants specializing in bouillabaisse, Marseille's most celebrated dish. Later in the week, Tisha Floratos, the vice president of travel for Olivia, told me that she and her staff think about this a lot. “We’ve talked about how we begin to promote inclusivity while also preserving our core: that this is a company for lesbians. We don’t publicly, historically, say that we’re trans inclusive, but we’re always welcoming to our trans guests.” Collins Beach lies 25 miles north of downtown Portland on placid Sauvie Island. While it's a pretty drive by car, fans of cycling might consider renting a bike and pedaling here, stopping to gather sweet marionberries and juicy peaches at one of the island's colorful farm stands. When my partner jokingly warned me, before I left for the cruise, not to fall in love with a hot older butch — seriously, we joked about this — I thought, Fat chance. Not only because I had no intention of falling in love with anyone else, but because I thought hooking up with hot older butches would remain the stuff of my fantasies.

For now, though, Olivia’s brand remains quite wholesome. On the first night there, I witnessed a marriage proposal (“Do you think they just met?” joked a woman at my table; “That’d be a record”). Tisha, the cruise director and VP, met her wife on an Olivia cruise. And she emphasized to me that it’s a place where many women go to fall in love — which certainly does happen.

Balearic Islands

Many queer visitors come to experience the inclusive vibes and surreal beauty of Playa del Amor, a clothing-optional, horseshoe-shaped sandy cove nestled between cliffs and massive boulders. All day long, and especially at sunset, this compact beach on the eastern edge of town offers a delightful mix of socializing and seclusion, while an unpretentious beach bar dispenses micheladas and fresh coconuts. What I didn’t expect was everything else that would happen to me — and is still happening to me — thanks to this one little week in my otherwise pleasantly uneventful life. I would worry about which of the many friends my ex-partner and I shared I would lose in the dyke divorce. I’d have to come to terms with the fact that I can’t control how other people feel, can’t hold out for universal approval. Though I would also seek constant reassurance from my closest friends that I wasn’t a bad person for putting myself first, for a change; that, even after blowing up my life, they’d keep on loving me. Home to Australia's most famous LGBTQ hotel, the Turtle Cove Beach Resort, as well as the gay-owned Pink Flamingo Resort and a bevy of vacation rentals, the former gold-mining hub of Port Douglas is one of the Southern Hemisphere's premier gay beach retreats. It's just a 45-minute drive from the small city of Cairns (which is a three-hour flight from Sydney) at the northern tip of Queensland. I would decide that it was over, and say so, and it would feel like a sort of death, but it would also, I knew, be the right thing to do — so much so that I’d feel it in my bones.

I would tell my therapist everything in one fell swoop, and I’d be so relieved and grateful when she seemed genuinely happy for me. Fringed with palapa-roofed ceviche restaurants, Zipolite's main beach stretches along the crashing surf for another mile or so and is every bit as gorgeous. Several airlines make the 75-minute flight from Mexico City to Puerto Escondido and Huatulco, which are each about a 90-minute drive from Zipolite. When we boarded, Dana introduced me to the adorable boomer-millennial pair in charge of Olivia’s Solos Program, which caters to women (single or partnered) who decide to go on trips alone. I got my own Solos dog tag and a pink Olivia bracelet to signify my newbie status. I tried to tell myself that lesbian bed death isn’t real, all the while heartily blaming myself for our increasingly diminished sex life. I was the one who never really felt like initiating, or at least not with anywhere near the regularity we’d had as a hormone-crazed new couple. I assumed, at best, that all passions cool somewhat over the years; at worst, I thought something might be wrong with me. Gran Canaria alone is famous for its iconic Pride celebrations, Drag Queen Gala and thriving LGBTQ+ scene, but the Canary Islands as a whole are a favourite for LGBTQ+ holidays. First off, the Canaries are stunning, if you’ve not been yet…why not?! They have everything from sandy beaches to mountainous landscapes, incredible nightlife to quaint little towns – they really are the islands for everyone! Across the islands, there’s a wonderful range of LGBTQ+ exclusive, friendly and adult-only hotels, but you’ll also find that inclusivity is widespread wherever you stay.

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That night, Matie and Jamie convinced me (against my natural inclination to avoid live entertainment) to go to the evening’s scheduled attraction, a comedy set by Elvira Kurt. Before Elvira performed we were welcomed by Tisha, Olivia’s VP and our cruise director, who greeted the “ladies of Olivia” and announced a few of the events coming up over the next few days, including a meetup for the “Older, Wiser Lesbians,” or “OWLs.” (“Date me, OWLs!” Matie whisper-yelled next to me.)

At first, sitting alone on the catamaran heading out for my snorkeling excursion, I felt shy again, and wished I had Dana or Jamie and Matie at my side. One of the guys running the boat, a youngish dude with dreads, took pity on me and brought me a glass of water. He asked me if I was staff on the cruise, noting my friendlessness, and I told him I was a reporter.

France

We recommend: The Purple by Ibiza Feeling in San Antonio, Ibiza and THB Los Molinos – Adult Only in Ibiza Town, Ibiza. Iceland But we were not prepared for what followed. Next day as we reached college, we knew something was different. Did people stare at us for a little longer than necessary? Did the girls stopped talking when we reached the stuffy common room? We had no idea. To me, Olivia was getting the chance to spend an afternoon with a 73-year-old who’d worked for 11 years as a bartender at my favorite lesbian bar in Brooklyn. Olivia was hearing an American explain U-Haul jokes to a confused, elderly Australian woman. Olivia was my long talk with Lynette about anti-trans feminism in the UK, and being impressed with her easy command of they/them pronouns — yet again proving my worries about older lesbians wrong. But there were, in fact, a number of stereotype-fulfilling boomer TERFs on board the cruise — and plenty of lesbians whose policing of gender norms took more banal forms. The woman who bought me a drink after I sang Kelly Clarkson at karaoke — a petite therapist from California with a prim gray bob — ended up being one of them. I planned to meet Dana in the ship lobby that morning so that we could wander around for a while before the event. When we set off into town together, she gently informed me that my whatever-it-was with Lynette had not gone unnoticed by the staff, who’d encouraged Dana to encourage me to spend more time speaking with other people and reporting on the ship’s endless entertainment options.